I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
