Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
