Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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