There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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