You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
