The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
why do cheetos always look like penises
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
