You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
