Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
