No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
