it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
