Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
