3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
