seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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