i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
