I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
