If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry about my life...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
