I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
