We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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