This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
