Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
