dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
