So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
