Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
