I haven't been this sober since birth.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
