Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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