He uses pillows to masturbate.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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