This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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