Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
