So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
