I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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