and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
being pregnant is like rehab
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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