Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
