Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
