I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I lost the right to judge tonight
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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