The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
