i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
