she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
