my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
