In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
