My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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