I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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