the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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