I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
