I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So many bounce houses so little time
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
