So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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