have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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