She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
