I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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