he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So many bounce houses so little time
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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