i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
