On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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